Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
