Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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