I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
