My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
