I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I touched a dick in church today
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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