No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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