The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
