he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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