I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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