You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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