I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
