LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
