What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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