Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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