fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
