I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
