Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
