as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
