Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have started to decorate penises.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
