One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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