Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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