the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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