Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
His nipple licking is glorious
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