I am in a vortex of obligation.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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