I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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