I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
