I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
I wear drunk well.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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