She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
