i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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