I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
