Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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