Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
