just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
