I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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