Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
