Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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