I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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