I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
