I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
