Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
