the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
