can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
