I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
