theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
