Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
