I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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