oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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