Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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