The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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