Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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