I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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